JUMP!

Sometimes in life you just have take a leap of faith.  You can’t always see where you are going to land or what it looks like below, but you have trust that you will land safely.  Trust is not easy for those of us who have been on the downward side of life’s misgivings.  But I have tried hard to find the courage to go forward in the face of fear.  It has not always been easy, but strive for it daily.

We made the decision earlier this year to take that leap and as you all know now, we are expecting a new addition to the family.  With many steps along the way, we can happily report that we are having a healthy baby.  Yesterday we were released from Maternal Fetal Medicine.  It was such a wonderful feeling to hear the word “normal”.  I am 20wks along and due Dec. 16.  I have been asked many times since yesterday if we know what we are having and the answer is yes and have known for awhile.  BUT we are not telling quite yet.  Not too often do subsequent babies get celebrated quite as often as the first before their arrival, so to honor this new member of the family we are having a reveal party in just over a week.  Mallory is beyond excited to be a big sister, talks and sings to the baby daily, and is planning all the things to teach it like “jumping on my bed.” 

Thank you everyone for all the well wishes and prayers.  We appreciate them all and would appreciate all the continued prayers for an uneventful next 19weeks. 

Baby keeping the sex a secret for now.

What was supposed to be.

Today is your due date.  The day that I was supposed to meet you, hold you and kiss you for hours.  Today was the day our family was supposed to be complete. For reasons still unknown to us, that is not the case.  I wanted to let you know that there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. We had so many hopes and dreams for your future.  God is getting to share all of those milestones and memories with you.  You are free. I hope that when you look down on us, we make you proud.  I try every day to be the person that you are proud to call mom. Until we meet again, I love you my sweet angel.

Mom

While these past few months have been hard and a hole in my heart will never be replaced, I have found joy in the little moments that I once took for granted.  Mallory and Chuck have continued to be the shining spotlights in the many blessings that have been brought to my life.  While I could stay focused on the things I do not have and the hardships I have faced, I try to focus on the blessings I have been given.  Some days are harder than others to focus on the have’s rather than the have not’s.  Some wishes just aren’t going to be granted and we’ll never get answers to those.  God has brought many people into my life to help me through this journey.  He has reconnected me with old friends and strengthened bonds with new friends.  Even today I was reminded of God’s work through one of them.

God didn't promise
days without pain
laughter without sorrow
or sun without rain.
But God did promise
strength for the day,
comfort for the tears
and a light for the way,
And for all who believe
in His kingdom above,
He answers their faith
with everlasting love.
Thanks to all those who have been there for shoulders to cry on and constant prayers sent our way.  We know that the journey is not over, but through your help we have taken many steps forward. 



"Without darkness, we may never know how bright the stars shine.  Without battles, we could not know what victory feels like.  Without adversity, we may never appreciate the abundance in our lives.  Be thankful not only for the easy times, but for every experience that has made you who you are."

A day to remember

Today is national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  A day that I never thought I would have a personal connection too.  A day that I wish no one had a personal connection too.  It has been almost 6 weeks since Paige left our lives.  With each day that passes I continue to grieve and miss her.  I grieve for what was, what should have been, and what is lost. 

Through this journey I was told many sayings and clichés, but one thing has held true: this is an imperfect world and sometimes imperfect things happen.  I try and hold onto the fact that God did not plant this into our lives.  I can’t think that he would have planted such grief and anguish into anyone’s life, punish us in anyway.  Instead I try to think of how he guides us through these challenges brought forth and teaches us.   He has taught me how to realize how precious life is and each moment is an unrepeatable gift.  I have said that this experience has made me appreciate Mallory ever so more.  Not that I didn’t appreciate her before, I just appreciate each moment like it was the last and take life in the slow lane.  Those moments of playing beauty shop when instead I should be do laundry or those lovely 2yr old tantrums are taken in stride.  With each hug and kiss, I am the last to let go. 

God has also taught me to take it day by day.  I have always been a planner, something I inherited from my mom, and tried to map out the important things in life. But this experience has taught me that while I would like to see that road map and show all the curves in the road, I must lean on him that he will equip me through this journey.  While this task isn’t easy and I struggle with it daily, as my envisioned road map has changed, he has equipped me with a gift in Chuck.  Chuck is my counterbalance, and when I go into a tail spin he reminds me to not think, plan everything in life, and live for the moment. I need to learn to appreciate what I have and not what I wanted.  Sometimes you can get caught up in wanting more or better and lose sight of what you have  I have a great husband, daughter, family, friends, and my own special Angel.

Tonight is a national wave of candle lighting.  Please join me tonight in honoring Paige and all the other little angels by lighting a candle at 7pm. 

If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time- Beth Mende Conny

What is normal?

Yesterday we, as a family, returned back to our house after more than a week away.  We enjoyed spending time with our families and getting a little alone time to spend as our own family unit.  While we cancelled the beginning portion of our vacation, we decided that Mallory needed some time with just her parents.  She too has been affected by everything over the past month and deserved some devoted time alone with her parents.  If we didn't realize before how blessed we are by having her in our lives, we definitely do now.  In our times of sadness, her pure heart and infectious giggle allowed us to actually find moments of happiness over the week.  The worries of the world seem to disappear with a little snuggle and smile from her.  She can always make me laugh.

Upon returning yesterday after our trip, we were amazed by the cards and outpouring of support for us as a family.  We are blessed by everyone in our lives.  We also returned to step back into reality and return to our life.  Return to normal.  I struggle with normal.  What is our new normal? While none of the daily routines changed upon getting up this morning for work, it didn't feel right. It all had stayed the same, yet it was all so different.  There was a hole.  I know with time, it will get easier.  But for now it is different, yet the same.

Paige at peace

Paige Elizabeth Ames went to heaven on 9/6/12.

We are sad, heartbroken, full of emotions. But we are comforted in the fact that up in heaven she will not suffer or be in pain.

We thank you for all the prayers for our family over the past few weeks. We are with family over the next week to help us. And the best source of love comes from Mallory. She continually helps us to live each day and be able to smile in times of sadness.

Dear Paige:

Left Waiting and Anticipating

They say that time flies by and in a blink of an eye time has passed, but I feel as though I am in this weird video game stuck on a pause button.  Days seem like months and hours seem like days.  On Monday, I got the work that the amnio cells have grown and been cultured enough to be stable to send out to the respective labs for testing.  They said to expect 3 weeks and there may be a chance of getting results in 2, but expect 3.  We are left to wait and wait.  Patience has never been a virtue of mine.  I constantly hit the refresh button on the computer.  Instead I am left to wonder and let my mind go astray.  As I have accepted the OI disorder, future, treatments, and got connected with a group of parents, I am left with this sinking feeling that it will come back with the campomelic dysplasia.  A heart breaking diagnosis without a good outcome.  I have told many I had weird feelings about a second baby before we even got pregnant, tried to shake them, and told I was crazy.  It has continued throughout this pregnancy with comments made to my OB, etc.  Three weeks ago, my fears were confirmed.  So I dread what feelings will come true this time.  The guilt is overwhelming at times, feeling as though I wished this on us.

            In addition, we face another ultrasound on Friday.  As the day draws closer, I feel my heart beat faster with palpitations and worry.  Instead of looking forward to seeing my sweet baby girl and seeing how she has grown, I find myself terrified and dreading what else they will find this time.  I want so much to find the joy in having the ultrasound, but instead worry about what ifs. 

I continually read cards sent by friends and delve into the devotional sent to me.  Ironically today’s reading states “Ask my spirit to control your mind, so that you can think great thoughts of Me. Do not be discouraged by the fact that many of your prayers are yet unanswered.  Time is a trainer, teaching you to wait upon Me, to trust Me in the dark….Instead of letting difficulties draw you into worrying, try to view them as setting the scene for My glorious intervention.  Keep your eyes and your mind wide open to all that I am doing in your life.” I hold tight onto this.  Please continue to keep us in your thoughts in the next coming days. 

approved!!

Insurance approved the testing for Osteogenesis Imperfecta and Campomelic Dysplasia.  While it will still be a few weeks for results, we may be closer to having an official diagnosis and being able to plan and prepare for treatments better.  Meanwhile I am getting connected with other OI parents as that is still the running diagnosis, boy what a sense of openness and comfort they have provided.  I know that I will be able to ask them anything and have peace that I will not be the first to face this journey. 

Be Joyful in hope.
Romans 12:12