Left Waiting and Anticipating

They say that time flies by and in a blink of an eye time has passed, but I feel as though I am in this weird video game stuck on a pause button.  Days seem like months and hours seem like days.  On Monday, I got the work that the amnio cells have grown and been cultured enough to be stable to send out to the respective labs for testing.  They said to expect 3 weeks and there may be a chance of getting results in 2, but expect 3.  We are left to wait and wait.  Patience has never been a virtue of mine.  I constantly hit the refresh button on the computer.  Instead I am left to wonder and let my mind go astray.  As I have accepted the OI disorder, future, treatments, and got connected with a group of parents, I am left with this sinking feeling that it will come back with the campomelic dysplasia.  A heart breaking diagnosis without a good outcome.  I have told many I had weird feelings about a second baby before we even got pregnant, tried to shake them, and told I was crazy.  It has continued throughout this pregnancy with comments made to my OB, etc.  Three weeks ago, my fears were confirmed.  So I dread what feelings will come true this time.  The guilt is overwhelming at times, feeling as though I wished this on us.

            In addition, we face another ultrasound on Friday.  As the day draws closer, I feel my heart beat faster with palpitations and worry.  Instead of looking forward to seeing my sweet baby girl and seeing how she has grown, I find myself terrified and dreading what else they will find this time.  I want so much to find the joy in having the ultrasound, but instead worry about what ifs. 

I continually read cards sent by friends and delve into the devotional sent to me.  Ironically today’s reading states “Ask my spirit to control your mind, so that you can think great thoughts of Me. Do not be discouraged by the fact that many of your prayers are yet unanswered.  Time is a trainer, teaching you to wait upon Me, to trust Me in the dark….Instead of letting difficulties draw you into worrying, try to view them as setting the scene for My glorious intervention.  Keep your eyes and your mind wide open to all that I am doing in your life.” I hold tight onto this.  Please continue to keep us in your thoughts in the next coming days.